"A four-year-old child could understand that. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail out of it."
- Duck Soup when reading a treasury department report. (1933)
"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."
- A Day at the Races. (1937)
"Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication."
"I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks."
- When asked for a photograph for identification The Groucho Phile. (1976)
"You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are."
- Duck Soup to a soldier (Harpo as Pinky) about to enter battle. (1933)
"Gentlemen, Chicolini here may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
- Duck Soup during the trial. (1933)
"I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived."
- Horse Feathers (1932)
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know."
- Animal Crackers (1930)
"It is better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all."
- Monkey Business, while being chased around a hayloft by a gangster (1931)
"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did!"
- Duck Soup, talking about Margaret Dumont as Teasdale (1933)
"Whatever it is, I'm against it!"
- Main line in his first musical number in Horse Feathers (1932)
"I've a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
- Duck Soup, talking to Chicolini from the presidential balcony (1933)
"If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you."
- A Day At The Races (1937)
"You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff."
- Duck Soup (1933)
"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
- Duck Soup (1933)
"Of course you know this means war!"
- Duck Soup
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
- Animal Crackers (1930)
"What do you say the three of us get married: You girls have everything, you're short and tall, and slim and stout, and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of girl I crave!
- Animal Crackers (1930)
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
- Horse Feathers (1932)
"Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you."
- Animal Crackers (1930)
"No, my friends. No, money will never make you happy, and happy will never make you money. That might be a wisecrack, but I doubt it."
- The Cocoanuts (1929)
"A likely story and probably true."
- The Al Jolson Show - ad-libbed repartee following a trite, scripted Al Jolson joke. (1949)
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